NAME/TWITTER NAME/BIO | PHOTO | WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT |
Neal Brennan/@nealbrennan/Co-Creator, "Chappelle's Show"; Director, "The Goods" | | A BJ Novak #failedsexualpositions |
Stephen Colbert/@StephenAtHome/"Colbert Report" | | the recession is over and people are celebrating in the streets. oh, i'm sorry, those are unemployment lines |
Andy Borowitz/@borowitzReport/Stand-Up, Writer | | Good news: the high levels of weed killer in our drinking water means we can kill the weeds on our lawn just by peeing on it. |
Judah Friedlander/@JudahWorldChamp/"30 Rock" | | It was my Alaskan fart that forced Palin out of office. |
Conan O'Brein/@ConanOBrien/Frmr "Tonight Show" Host | | Apologies to Duke fans, but I really wanted Butler to win so I could write “The Butler Did It.” |
Rob Delaney/@RobDelaney/Stand-Up | | Excited to meet my 6000th follower this weekend! I hope (s)he has big nipples! |
Adam McKay/@GhostPanther/Director, Funny or Die Founder | | I think i discovered a new truism. Huff diesel fuel and masturbate on an overpass and you will meet new people. |
Joel McHale/@joelmcHale/Host, "The Soup" | | If I hear that "I kissed a girl song" one more time I'm going to shoot myself in the ears. |
David Wain/@davidwain/Director, Comedian | | I tried to go sailing today but am way too Jewish. |
Rob Corddry/@robcorddry/"Daily Show" | | I never lock the bathroom door. If someone walks in on me I yell "GET THE FUCK IN HERE!". It always works. |
Mindy Kaling/@mindykaling/Actress & Writer, "The Office" | | Final Destination is amazing cuz Death is the psycho killer. The same Death from like, The Civil War and Titanic. |
Aziz Ansari/@azizansari /"Parks & Recreation," "Human Giant" | | Entourage Episode Idea 1: E can't get cell service, Turtle gets a bad haircut, Drama has an ingrown toe nail, and Vince eats a banana. |
Seth Meyers/@sethmeyers21/Head writer, "SNL" | | Favre is to decisions what Vick is to dogs |
Bill Maher/@billmaher/"Real Time with Bill Maher" | | Dancing with the scum - Tom Delay is on the dancing show?!! You know who loved to waltz? Stalin. Was David Duke unavailable? |
Sarah Silverman/@SarahKSilverman/"Sarah Silverman Program" | | Diarrhea would be a beautiful name if it didn't mean diarrhea |
Caprice Crane/@capricecrane/Novelist, Screenwriter | | "This Cold Medicine Lasts 8 Hours" is the "I Promise I'll Pull Out, Baby" of the pharmaceutical industry. |
Paul Scheer/@paulscheer/"Human Giant" | | Thought 500 Days of Summer did a great job setting up Cobra Commander's character in GI Joe. It is a prequel, right? |
Aisha Tyler/@aishatyler/Stand-Up, "Friends" | | Sun & I'm back in front of the computer. Whomever said this biz was glamorous never worked for it. And their name rhymes w/'Baris Wilton.' |
Baratunde Thurston/@baratunde/Stand-Up, The Onion | | overheard at airport: Douchbag #1 "i hate children on planes." Douchebag #2: "I hate children pretty much anywhere" |
Michael Showalter/@mshowalter/"Michael & Michael Have Issues" | | I am proud to say that, at least for now, Michael Ian Black has less than one million more followers than I do. |
Joy Behar/@JoyVBehar/"The View" | | Why do straight men not like to admit that they watch the View? |
Jon Daly/@jondaly/Stand-Up | | Hollywood Tips: Scream this at a party- "Jimmy Camz is a lazy fuck! Im like let ME steer this Titanic! Hes like-Can't help it, I love you!" |
Alex Blagg/@alexblagg/Writer | | Sorry Ernest Hemingway, but "Slain Model Identified By Breast Implants" is the saddest six-word story every told. |
Craig Ferguson/@CraigyFerg/"Late Late Show" | | @joelmchale on the show tonight. I am as excited as a midget on crack. |
Tim Heidecker/@timheidecker/"Tim and Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job" | | Almost had my phone confiscated trying to take pic of girl wearing silver SEINFELD belt buckle at airport. Didn't get the shot. :( |
Peter Serafinowicz/@serafinowicz/British Comedian | | Laughter is the second best medicine. The best medicine is medicine. |
Gabe Liedman/@gabeliedman/Stand-Up | | RUE MCLANAHAN AND TINY LESLIE FROM 'WILL AND GRACE' AT COMIX 2GETHER?? anyone want to lend me $10,000, to buy every ticket??? |
Steve Agee/@steveagee/"Sarah Silverman Program" | | I've officially just watched every porn there is on the internet...even the gross ones. |
Sarah Haskins/@sarah_haskins/"InfoMania" | | Going to see Potter tonight. What is this "mild sensuality" the MPAA is warning me about? They finally learn the spell "Accio rubbers"? |
Jen Kirkman/@JenKirkman/Stand-Up, Writer | | To those of you who say that Obama threw the first pitch "like a girl...." please don't insult my lesbian softball playing friends. |
Todd Barry/@toddbarry/Stand-Up | | Spent Delta flight from Charleston writing complaint letter to Delta about Delta flight to Charleston. |
Michael Ian Black/@michaelianblack/"Michael & Michael Have Issues" | | In Spain. Saw some incredibly sexy chests on the topless beach. Some of the ladies looked good, too. |
Greg Fitzsimmons/@GregFitzShow/Stand-Up, Writer | | Marriage is the opposite of prison; the better you behave, the longer your sentence. |
Paul Tompkins/@PFTompkins/"Best Week Ever" | | Heading to the wedding of dear friends in Massachusetts. Via train. You know what that means-- *sigh*-- there's sure to be a murder mystery. |
Mike Birbiglia/@birbigs/Stand-Up | | There are things money can't buy. And Ticketmaster is working on ways to charge you for them. |
Ellen DeGeneres/@TheEllenShow/"Ellen," "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" | | Celebrity sighting of the day: Portia de Rossi, eating lunch in my kitchen! |
Baron Vaughn/@barvonblaq/Stand-Up | | I wanna punch the Palm Pre redheaded girl in the translucent face. |
John Hodgman/@HODGMAN/Expert | | i'll just tell you everything that happens as it happens. i'm rick sanchezing it |
Eugene Mirman/@eugenemirman/Stand-Up | | I just remembered — saw a baby's dick on a train last week. Sorry I forgot to tell you guys. |
Eric Wareheim/@ericwareheim/"Tim and Eric: Awesome Show, Great Job" | | Anyone at the dodgers now? If so, streak with me. Headed on the field at 8:30! |
Dave Hill/@mrDaveHill/Stand-Up, Writer | | I am going out. My parents asked when I would be coming home and I told them I was going to stay out as long as I want! |
Jim Gaffigan/@jimgaffigan/"My Boys" | | Quiche, I don't care what they say about you. I think you're fabulous. Wait, did I just say fabulous? Quiche what have u done to me? |
Julie Klausner/@Julieklausner/Stand-Up, Writer | | WE is showing 9 to 5 and Oxygen is showing Steel Magnolias. I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. Don't say "go outside." |
Mo Rocca/@MoRocca/Comedian & Commentator | | Write Donald Trump and demand term limits for Miss Universe. Venezuela must be stopped! |
Jon Friedman/@friedmanjon/Blogger, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon | | I was going to start an account called Twitney Houston and tweet out 140 characters worth of Whitney Houston song lyrics but then I didn't. |
Gabriel Delahaye/@GabrielDelahaye/Blogger, Videogum | | I am trying to decide if my new screenplay, "Bob and Weave," is going to be about a boxer named Bob or a hairdresser named Bob. |
Rainn Wilson/@RainnWilson/"The Office" | | Tomorrow is the next day which can be the first day of the rest of your life because today is like half over. |
Max Silvestri/@maxsilvestri/Stand-Up | | For me, growing up is realizing that Black Sheep is nowhere near as good as Tommy Boy, no matter how much you want it to be. |
Whitney Cummings/@WhitneyCummings/Stand-Up, Actress | | Women who wear high heels at the airport should not be able to vote. |
Rob Huebel/@RobHuebel/"Human Giant" | | After swimming in the ocean sat, I saw on the news there was a great white shark in the water. So bummed I missed a kick-ass death! |